Monday Morning Realignment

still figuring myself out over here, how bout you

Sometimes I forget how I wound up behind the bar in the first place.

It was August of 2015, my first semester back at college after studying abroad. My parents were recently divorced and my own relationship was hanging on by a thread. My boyfriend and I decided to study abroad at the same time but in different countries; I went to Spain and he went to Estonia.

Both programs were pretty new for our university, and therefore pretty unorganized, so when we signed up we assumed we’d be gone for the same amount of time. Turns out, my program ran from January to March and his ran from February to late-June, affording us a six-month long-distance relationship at 20 years old.

I was so stubborn. We almost broke up, and maybe we should’ve, but I wanted to prove something — that relationships can last? That two people can be independent and also in love? That I could endure the suffering of the constant fear that he was cheating on me with some beautiful Lithuanian girl? I don’t know.

What I do know is that summer, I did what I always do when I’m feeling lonely and overwhelmed, which is get really busy. I worked three different jobs. I also decided it’d be a good idea to adopt and raise a puppy, and also write songs and book some gigs, and of course, keep my long-distance relationship alive on top of all that.

When I got back to school, I knew I’d need at least one job to keep myself busy and make enough money to pay rent (which was $350 a month, if you can believe it). I was on a roll with playing shows, so I needed a morning job. I wanted a job that felt creative and grounded, but also gave me the freedom to do all the other things I like to do and was already committed to doing, like my college radio show, ultimate frisbee, the tv station, and my coursework.

And that’s how I landed my first barista job, almost a decade ago.

In the last ten years, my confidence has waxed and waned. That relationship ended and I moved to Austin. I think I know exactly who I am and what I want, and then someone offers me something else and I see it as the extended hand of the universe inviting me on another side quest. Coffee has offered me so much: a paycheck, a clear career path, a community, opportunities to travel and learn and teach. It inspires me like crazy, and I have so many coffee ideas that I don’t know what to do with. I am so lucky!

But at the same time, there’s another part of me that feels abandoned. This is the part that makes the podcast, writes the songs, has two unfinished novels in her Google Drive.

“There’s no money in that,” is the limiting belief that keeps me stuck. And so I take an opportunity that comes with a price tag, and I’m glad because finally I can pay my bills, but I’m sad because I’ve given up things that gave my life meaning.

Look, I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30. I’m frustrated that I still make a lot of the same mistakes I made when I was younger. I’m busier than I’ve ever been, and I can’t help but thinking part of that is that I’m actually lonely and overwhelmed. Another part of that is I have the hardest time saying no, and I know I’m alone in that.

Sometimes I feel like a fish circling the same bait over and over, refusing to accept the fact that it’s attached to a hook. When will I finally swim the other direction and trust that something else will be there to feed me? When will I finally accept who I am and be that without fear? Isn’t that what we’re all called to do?

So to bring it all back to coffee, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still figuring things out. I can’t do everything. I have to pick a few things and do them well, but I just can’t decide what those things are yet. I think that’s okay. I think that’s part of it. The constant realignment, the reinvention. I am an artist, so I will never be quite sure, but that’s the beauty of me.

That’s how I ended up starting Barista Friend in the first place — as a way to maintain my freedom, invest in my own ideas, and explore an alternative path for my fellow creative baristas who don’t come from money. I’m trying to see if this works and honestly, I still don’t know. Thank you for your patience. Sorry I keep getting distracted.

This week I’m drinking a Colombian coffee roasted by New Math in Chicago, IL. It’s a lot from the Colombian-based producer group Unblended, which provides training and guaranteed lot purchases to young coffee farmers. Here’s how I’m brewing it: